2@Reciprocalrole relationship procedures From the beginning of our conscious life we learn to recognise, name and express or contain feelings and emotions through our daily life with caretak- ers. Like the seed in relation to the soil we are planted in, we grow within the garden of our early environment offamily, our social and cultural structure and in response to its demands and prejudices. Feelings and emotions get denned for us from our early reciprocalrelationships. Whatis considered 'emotional' may be responded to in a variety of ways. Many people with eat- ing disorders,for example, have often had their emotional needs responded to with food and notrecognised as having individual and separate meaning. Body sensations in response to threat may be identified as the emotion offear and responded to in a variety of ways. Useful sympathy and supportleads us to learn self-care and be able to befriend ourfears. Belittling and dismissing leads us to reject expressing fearin words and itremains a body sensation. Feeling angry, hateful orresentful and responding to anger and rage from others is one ofthe most charged areas within families. Dr Anthony Ryle,the founder of CAT, says: A very large percentage of depressed and somatic symptoms are located in the inability to express angerin a useful way.(in conversation with the author) So we are seeing thatfor many of us feeling and emotion get blurred together and develop in the course ofrelationships that provide definitions. Being seen as 'emotional', or having our emotions interpreted as 'just drama',is often a culturaljudgement on any emotion thatis seen as excessive. WHat constitutes reasonable emotional expression in one culture is unacceptable in others. One example is in expressing the emotion of grief after bereavement. In Eastern countries, wailing,rocking, being dressed in black and supported for a year are a widow's rights and offer a rite of passage;in Western countries we are encouraged to 'get overit and move on', as iffeeling and emotion had no value or purpose. When we have been able to identify how our emotions have been interpreted within our growing environment and are starting to understand the learned reciprocalroles around emotion,itis usefulto look at a possible difference between feeling and emotion. [[[[[[[p31 Feelings remind us we are alive as human beings and are responding to the outside world! They are in essence quite simple things that communicate through our bodies experiences such as happiness,joy, wellbeing or anger, sadness,fear orjealousy. When not entangled in thoughts,feelings can rise and falllike waves in the ocean throughout our daily life. By practising aware- ness we can watch this process and allow its naturalrhythm without any interpretation from ourthinking mind. Every one of us has a feeling nature. Feeling is an importantfunction in terms of our sensing, valuing and sensitively judging situations. What can be more difficult,though,is experiencing feeling without being 'emotional'. Emotions are more complex and denserin quality. They are a combination of ourfeelings, ourthoughts and body sensations that have been,in early life, defined for us by our environment. They are the result offeelings getting attached to ideas from our past experiences recorded in inner dialogue about whatis possible and allowed and whatis not. When feelings are identified as emotions they create distortions in thinking and acting. Examples of how this might be active in inner dialogue are I'd better not show I'm angry because I will get hit IfI show I'm scared they willleave me. IfI expose my need they willlaugh. Out of our emotions come our actions. So emotions tend to be dominated by what we tell ourselves inside about what we can tolerate and what not. As we well know, once we have become dominated by our emotionalresponse itis much more difficultto remain centred or express ourselves clearly to others. Either: We may just shut down and go silent with everything swirling around inside. Or: We may swing from one emotional state to another,feeling out of control. We may have a particular way of controlling responses that seems to con- ceal ourforbidden feelings but may elicitthem in others, such as in passive aggression. We feel angry but angeris forbidden so we sulk, withdraw, eatto excess, and others are furious. Learning about ourinternalised dialogue with allthe parts of us is an important step to self-awareness and to choosing how to change. Reciprocalroles and core emotional pain As we saw in Part One, everything we experience about being a person hap- pens within the context of ourrelationship with an 'other'. The British child psychologist D.W. Winnicott(1979) said 'there's no such thing as a baby', meaning thatthe baby does not grow alone, but with 'others' who care for the baby in various ways. We come to know ourselves, and slowly become conscious,through the signs,images and communications toward us and in response to us,from others, and the meaning these communications inspire. ------------------------------------p32 holding, sound, smell and atmosphere. Each one ofthese experiences is accompanied by expressions offeeling and a 'language' of gestures,rhythms and sounds. We have an inbuilt ability to identify with the 'other'. For exam- ple, newborn infants stick theirtongues outin response to someone sticking outtheirs. We have mirror neurons that have been discovered to be the biological basis for empathy,for being with and feeling with another human being. For most of us mirror neurons continue to help us become attuned with ourselves and others throughout ourlives. Our early experience in reciprocation with our all-powerful carers invites a number of what are called in Cognitive Analytic Therapy,reciprocalrole procedures. The word 'role'is a way of describing ourinteraction with others, and theirs with us.'Role' describes how we see,respond and interpret, how we feel and attribute meaning to and how we act with others and in internal dialogue with ourselves. As we saw earlier,the experience of being held safely creates an internalised capacity to both hold and be held with the resulting healthy island feelings of secure, happy,loved. An experience of being left or neglected leads to an inter- nalised abandoning part ofthe selfin relation to an abandoned self with feelings of being 'dropped' orfeeling unwanted and bad. And these early experiences are anticipated in relation to both ourselves, and others. Feeling held when helpless and fed when hungry and crying offers a reciprocal dance between caring and being cared for and the resulting feeling is contentment and safety.In our growing brains the growth ofthe frontallobes that govern thinking and reflecting,is assured, and we are free from the chemicals offear. Conversely,feeling hungry and being deprived offood creates a reciprocal experience of needy and helpless in relation to controlling and witholding, and the feelings, not yet understood, but held in the tissues ofthe body, are of anxiety and rage. The sense of potential healthy island is restricted. Most of us experience a mixture of early life care. All of us carry a repertoire ofreciprocal patterns learned from early care relating to care and dependency/- control and submission; demand and striving. These patterns are internalised automatically and serve to maintain the selfin the social world. They become our automatic pilot. Once named and reflected upon they can be made sense of, adjustments may be made to the more problematic roles, and new, health- ier,reciprocalroles can be created. Most psychological problems stem from deficiencies of early care such as excesses of control and demand or a critical,judging and conditional accep- tance. Majorinconsistencies or unpredictable responses such as violent acting out ortraumatic separations and abandonments which are not explained or understood create reciprocalroles thatreflect patterns such as abandoned/ neglected/angry victim in relation to violent/aggressive bullying. Parent and child reciprocalroles The analogy ofthe seed in relation to the soil gives us a contextforthe evolu- tion of ourreciprocalrole relationships. As well as environmentalinfluences we must also considerthe individual nature thatis uniquely ours.Itisn'tjust what happens to us,it's what we make of what happens to us. We are not looking to blame an early life seen as fixed and irredeemable. We are looking ---------------------------------------------33 atthatrich mixture of what happened, how we met our experiences, and at what now needs to be revised and changed. So,in the earth ofthe early environment we learn a three-way pattern of relating to the world, others and ourselves: One pattern is connected to the way we feeltowards others and ourreaction to them. The second pattern anticipates the way we have learned thatthe other person is going to reacttowards us. The third pattern is the way we relate to ourselves inside. For example,if my early experience has been with a mother who was perhaps absentfor a lot ofthe time - either because ofillness or depression or because of having to go to work, or simply because I didn'tfeel close to her- my core pain may be around abandonment orrejection and part of me willfeellike an aban- doned orrejected child.I will also carry an abandoning orrejecting other and actin a rejecting or abandoning way toward others, ortoward myself, unable to accept my own or others' efforts as good. My internal dialogue will be reflecting themes offeeling rejected by a rejecting other.I may talk in a rejecting way to myself;telling myself off or not caring for my needs. The inner dialogue may be mild and occasional, and it can become repetitive and ruminative, giving rise to anxiety orfeeling obsessed with anticipating rejection. Sometimes our early reaction to quite small problems with parents, or small instances of absence or neglect, can be quite extreme, and untilthose reac- tions are modified and looked at afresh they live on to inform the way we relate to others in quite a profound way. Sometimes our more problematic reciprocalroles are compensated for or accompanied by reciprocalrole procedures derived from good experiences such as kindness or positive examples of care, however small,from others. We may also benefitfrom a rich imaginative life that supports us through fantasy and dreams that are meaningfully differentfrom the environment we endure, and we are able to make these work for us. There are some people who survive the most neglect- ful and abusive of backgrounds who have a healthy island beaming openness and grace in spite ofit. There is no clearreason forthis exceptforthe hypothesis that within their natural being is the means to transform suffering and create mean- ing and inner strength. Or,this potentialfor a healthy island, which is in all of us, has been nourished by one good experience of a loving attitude. Re-enactment of early life parent/child roles What we learn from early experiences becomes a sort of hidden 'rule book7 laying down patterns ofrelating. We can play eitherrole,inviting others to play the reciprocalrole.Itis importantto grasp that WC learn both roles (the judged and the judging role,for example). As well as the 'coping child'role, we learn to force others to play the reciprocalrole as well as treating ourselves in the same terms. Thus our core wound is maintained by both the damaged and the damaging aspects we learned early on. Look through the table set outin Figure 2.1 and notice how you respond to parh sprrinn Thprp mav bp tbmitrbl-s fpplinprs hodv spnsatinns Follow vnnr -----------------------------------------------------34 the words orimages that come to you, write down your own connection with patterns ofreciprocalroles. Rememberthat we manage ourselves emotionally as we were managed and cared for. We get used to it, and what we have known becomes part of us. This means thatthe same sorts ofthings keep on happening to us in relationships. These old patterns give us a clue aboutthe structures ofrelationship pat- terns thatlie underneath. These are the learned patterns we can revise. As you record the relationship patterns you have got used to, you will be finding descriptions ofthe ways in which you look after yourself, how you expectto be responded to by others and how you relate to others. u""" First, using your developing new voice/ the voice you are internalising in this book, of me as author and therapist also in you, write down the areas in yourlife that work well and where you can assess the following patterns. For example: Care ‡ZG experienced We felt Some good experiences GOOD ENOUGH Not'too good' Not'too bad' Loving Caring lovable sense of self secure cared for responsive<->held trustingotrusted loving<-@ioved healthy bl1@@11@@@l@@l@@@@b@@@11@@1111l11t@b@@b@1ˆê Putthe words you choose to describe into your'healthy island' There may be many variations in the actual words used to describe your expe- riences, and itis importantfor each of us to find our own. We are notlook- ing to find 'literal' answers. For example,itis quite possible for us to recognise feeling punished when we've been criticised as if we have been beaten physically.Ifthe word 'punished' best describes our core pain then it's importantto understand the three-way process thatlives on in ourrelating. Ourinternalised punished child self expects others to behave in a. punishing way towards us. We may unconsciously choose others who behave in a punishing way,thus maintaining the core pain punishing/punished and coping devices such as being cowed or pleasing. Ourinternalised punishing ?u‚Ý‚Ðlt self may continue to behave in a punishing way, creating demanding timetables or being overcritical, beating up on the internalised child self and maintaining a feeling of punishment. Or, we may behave in a punishing way towards others, particularly those who appear'punishable', and remind us of our own cowed or wounded self. Quite often our coping mode only works partially for us and is accompanied by depression or other symptoms. Sometimes we evoke a punishing response which seems to confirm the original pattern and deepens our depression or other psychological or physical symptoms. Another example is ofthe childhood experience of abandonment. This might invite an internalised abandoned child, whose experience was either of actual abandonment or of a parent or caregiver who feltremote, depressed or preoccu- pied. And then there would be the internalised abandoning adult, who continually -----------------------------------------------------------------35 --------------------------------------------------------------------------36 abandons their'child self by not attending to needs, or who chooses an aban- doning 'other'in relationships, which keeps the core wound in search of healing. As we grasp how these patterns ofrelating continue,in our present everyday life, we may expect allthree 'roles'to be enacted at differenttimes, or within the same relationship. The child 'role' stillfeels fresh and sore, butitis maintained, within us, by the adult'role'. Thus the two 'roles' are reciprocal,they go together and need to be understood in this way.Itis important when embracing change to look at both ends and notjust strive to healthe wounded child. WC also need to modify the adultreciprocalrole;to recognise when we are picking on, punishing orrejecting toward ourselves or others and find other ways of being. When we are able to see thatthe way we feelis maintained by the ten- sion between both roles we can learn to choose healthier ?A?eys to relate. When early experiences offer no relieffrom painful or unbearable anxiety and fear, and we have no way of processing this,the differentfeelings may get split offinto different parts inside us. Sometimes there is no connection between the parts and we find ourselves in emotional states with no idea how we gotthere.In Chapter 8. we will be describing the more unstable states of mind and how to create a continuing observer within oneself. Self to self Rest your attention on the generalflavour of your close relationships, starting with the relationship you have via inner dialogue with yourself. Take yourtime. Notice how you think about and speak to yourselfinside. You may find you have imaginary conversations/ with real-life orfictional others, and thatthere are themes to these. Themes mightinclude trying to be heroic, or happy, or pleasing someone; conversations may be being critical, judging, or encouraging, hopeful orlonging toward an imaginary other. Selftoother Notice how you anticipate how others will behave toward you, especially in close relationships. Notice how this anticipation manifests in the tension in your body,in yourthoughts. You may anticipate and hope for special words only to be met with words that do not meet your hopes and expectations and you end up feeling disappointed or dashed. You may anticipate harshness, criticism and hold yourself back or even make yourself vulnerable to whatis expected. Notice all yourreactions when with others, ll As you explore; your own reciprocalroles and ^notice ;the core pain ofthe ' ; child-deriveclrole^such as punished/ criticised/ bullied,forgotten,think about what you would feelifyou:sawascriild being treated as you were. -----------------------------------------------------------------------37