4　Problems and　dilemmas within　relationships Relationships challenge allthe ways in which we feel about and experience ourselves Itis through flesh and blood human relationships thatweTxn^ ence a mirroring process ofthe reciprocalroles we have learned. Difficu^s in relationships arise when we stumble into the more powerful not yet under stood emotions that may be linked to our early life survival patterns 器Hich bring up the more fragile and less-known aspects of ourselves wo^ld'T'S113^^11 our attachment needs are Passed,return us to the world of childhood where we strive to maintain control over whatfeels like help essness and powerlessness. WC are broughtinto our vulnerability our smallness, alongside our need for closeness and intimacy. Often itisn't unti we have been in a relationship for some time, or have perhaps had a ^o similarrelationships,that we realise there are meaningful patterns at work Because we learn to be a person with an 'other',the patterns Sfinter-be^^^^^^^^^ the foundation from which we seek attachmentto others. So we are natufaUv drawn towards people with whom we engage in similarlearned wa^stoToe significant others in our early life. WHen this is balanced by mutual sharing and respectthese patterns can be mediated, even changed But when we realise we are repeating the more negative reciprocalroles re^^T/0"^ and feeling restrictedf OI^judging ^relation to feeling crushedwe find ourselves caught up in potentially destructive patterns aba^31? ^^ome the child who felt humm^d orrejected hurt or abandoned,lost,furious, uncared-for and needy Our core wound is pressed over and over again by our experience in rela- su^'l^e ^ avoid involvement with ^hers and keep relationsMps superficial,limiting contactto people at work, or only talking on the tele- ^dTolTtI T cope with fear of closeness but W the price in loneliness and isolation. WC may rush from one relationship into another hoping to healthe pain inside us. WC may long to find 'perfect care' only to feel crushed and disappointed over and over again. We may sufferfrom several broken or destructive relationships,includ- mg the ones at work or with acquaintances, before becoming aware that there are unconscious patterns at work. Once we startlooking however ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------53 ourjourney toward change has begun.Itis possible to shiftreciprocalrole patterns into being less rigid and dominating,justthrough our awareness o being invited into them. WC can create new reciprocalroles that are helpful and healthy Reciprocalroles such as:listening in relation to listened to, caring in relation to cared for,loving/nurturing in relation to loved/nurtured. By reading this book you are developing an observer self who is witnessing all you have been through, and thus creating respectfully witnessing in relation to respected ^In^chtpter we look atthe more complicated difficulties which arise from ourrelationships with other people, which press our core wound against which we defend ourselves in the old learned way.In orderto understand this we need to look atthe patterns we learned in childhood. Ridicule:'I'll be laughed atfor whatIfeel.' And - 'Contempt:'I will get spat upon.' Humiliation:'They willlook down on me.' Dependency: Being made to feel small and helpless:'1 don't wantto have to need anyone.' Being taken advantage of: used and abused. Being teased and taunted:'They will getjust within my reach and disappear.' Invasion:'They'll getrightinside me.' Cruelty:'I'll be beaten or my words used against me.' Lack of privacy:'They are watching me allthe time.' Overwhelming need:'No one will everfillthe hole in my heart.' High expectations:'I'll have to be on my "best" behaviour allthe time.' Abandonment:'I'll be leftjust when I've let go.' Or,'I'll be abandoned in the end, no one will stay with me.' Hypervigilant:'I have to be on my guard allthe time. You never know when they will get you.' ^ Suffocation:'Being close is too much,there is no room to breathe. Being overwhelmed and overpowered:reduced to nothing,like a slave. Conditional/restricting:'I'll never come up to scratch, be whatthey want.' Losing myself completely: disappearing into the void Losing my independence. -----------------------------------------------------------------------54 口ロ Crying allthe time. Abuse - sexual, physical or verbal Do you recognise the following patterns ofthinking? ロロロ 'No one could ever be as good to me as ...' They will see things about me I hate and want no one to see ' Itis only a fantasy, and I'll never get nearit.' Mark which ofthe above you recognise applies to you and see if you can name your own three-way reciprocalroles. Learning to recognise the 'shadow' coDin^ w t?,011 @f,T we to others and to ourselves- Sometimes one W3y of cop ng with painful emotional early experiences is to cut offfrom pain and fi^nech^ a T^ butrestricted way- we ^to P10^the L^ and fragile child in us by looking afteritin others, or by hitting out atitin others tis very hard to acknowledge this in ourselves, because in acknowledging hat WC have taken on the parentalrole in ourrelationships WC are admm nl that we are behaving like the people who once damaged or hurt us If we understand that our choices WCre limited by the unconscious need to beTn reciprocation to others we can invite conscious revision and seek help o ^ aZ- ? r^actfrom both ends of our Tec^ocalrole'but^^ to acknowledge the more negative role. This may mean facing our critical side,the side that secretly enjoys humiliating others,thatlikes I be po es- sive, demanding, cruel,taunting or over-controlling weTcTt^56 ^lremain unconscious ^y ca^ more trouble than if we face them.If we have experienced humiliation when young we will do c'SS ^ T^^-for.^ample' by living life /above ^eP^oachg or^0^ criticism Butthe fear willremain, unconsciously. Because we have putit down so firmly in ourselves it's likely we will do the same when we meetit m others. This may presentitselfin the form of a 'pathetic' old man or woman, someone we see as WCak, and from out ofthe shadows will come our most caustic remark -the very thing we received and fearreceiving We may getinto a relationship with someone WC have idealised and admired and wanted to live up to and please. All might be lovely atfirst a'nd 器STppTi^el^they are no longer'special/ and we feel^usioned We may find parts of ourselves that do not emerge until we are in a rela- tionship^ For example,the successful, ambitious young W0man, whose hard work and effort have come from being a striving child, becomes once again the young,frightened child once she's close to a partner. From behind the admired, glossy, confident surface to which the partner was initially attracted steps a small person craving assurance and ready to be pleasing and depen- dent, whom he does not know or understand ----------------------------------------------------------------------55 Dilemmas relating to ourrelationships with others If-then and either-or dilemmas restrict other possibilities in relationships. All of us feel vulnerable when we are in a dependent position, which is part of attachment.If we have had an early experience (our very first dependency) which was 'good enough', we do notfear or avoid dependency. When rela- tionships are going well,there is give and take on both sides and a feeling of equality. See if any ofthe following dilemmas relate to you. IfI care about someone,I have to give in to them orthey have to give in to me When we care about someone and feel we have to give in to them ittends to be because we wanttheir approval or affection so much that we will do what they want, as in the placation trap (see Part Three). There is no sense of equal- ity in ourrelating, and relationships feel highly charged. There is no freedom to be ourselves, and others rule the way in which we respond and act. The 'giving in' seems to be based upon self-protection, with the learned assump- tion thatif we do not give in to those we care about something bad will hap- pen Our sense of selffeels underthreat. This learned dilemma could arise from an experience of conditional caring in early life, orfrom dominating/powerfulin relation to powerless/needy. The other part ofthis dilemma is in experiencing ourfeelings when we care about someone as being quite powerful and demanding. Our sense is that because we feel strongly others mustrespond and give in to us. WC may have internalised the sense ofthe child who was given free rein or over-protected from an early age, who has become used to their strong feelings being recip- rocated in kind and their every demand met. IfI depend on someone,I have to give in to them orthey have to give in to me This is a deeper version ofthe first dilemma, and can form a very important 'B movie'for what goes on unconsciously within a relationship. Ourfear of dependency may stem from the factthat we have never actually been allowed to be dependent and have learned from this to become independent.Itfeels that, when we do allow ourselves to depend on someone,then they are in control and we have to give in to them. WC feel powerless and helpless, which can express itselfin passivity and sometimes a feeling of emptiness, coupled with feeling afraid of being atthe mercy of another. WC may feelthat we come nearto being just as helpless and needy as we were when small. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------56 If WC establish a relationship with a strong caring other,itfeels as if we can be dependent with nothing to fear. Butthis may be challenged when WC do have to grow up and stand alone. We may acceptthis and grow within this care, and ifthe other person is flexible and allowing we can indeed overcome a tear of dependency and allow some interdependence. However,if W0 recognise that we feelresentful and cross at having to give in when feeling dependent, and we are expecting others to give in to us we need to see that we are using our neediness as ifit were our only 'strength' Ourfantasy is that were it notfor our need keeping someone with us they would not stay. There might be a fantasy that'growing up' means others leave us. Sometimes this is related to the actual experience of a mother who found it very difficultto let go of her mothering role and wanted her children to remain as her'babies'.If we believe thatthis dependency is our only power or strength WC will undermine our ability to grOW up and move away independently. Questionnaire: Caring and depending on someone If1 care for someone,Ifeel: ロロロロロ ロ Self-conscious and worried. Eagerto be seen in the bestlight. I must give in to them in orderthatthey might care for me. I seem to withdraw and become passive and helpless. I must control myself, my fear and my anxiety and I mustlearn all about the other person and please them. 1 expect others to notice me,to care equally about me; and to look after me, meet my needs and demands. IfI depend upon someone,Ifeel: ロロロロ ロロロロコ コ Afraid and vulnerable. Frightened of being hurt. Humiliated and disadvantaged. I must do whatthe other wants; give in to the otherin dress/manners/ behaviour/religion/work/all standards/looks/sex. I must give over my whole selfto the other. I expect others to be stronger and therefore able to do as I ask. I expect others to make decisions for me,to do whatI want. I am in control, as if whatI need dominates and makes things happen Ifeel secure that other people know where they stand with me and what I need, and will give in to me. Ifeel cosy, knowing what others need and giving itto them and with others knowing my needs.In this way neither of us needs anyone or anything else; safe and 'all wrapped up'. Continuedパ ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------57 I do not allow myselfto be dependent at any time.I notice this in the following ways: I do not allow myselfto get close to anyone in case Ifeel dependent. I never allow myselfto getin anyone's 'debt',ifI'm given gifts or paid compliments I have to give back as soon as possible. I neverlet anyone pay for me;I make sure I always pay my own way. I much preferto give than receive. If a woman,I would neverlet myself get pregnant.If a man,I would neverlet myself get married. Ilike to be in charge.It's hard for me to be a student,to admitI don't know things,to share equally with others. I'm afraid of being dependent and will do anything to avoid it. Secretly I'm afraid of being ill or getting old, and my images ofthese are full of humiliation, defeat, suffocation or worse. pride? fear(of what)? fierce independence? rage? a yet unresolved memory of being let down, suffocated or other? Spend some time pondering on what you discoverfrom this questionnaire. Look atthe number oftimes you have shied away from any kind of dependent position. W“uite aboutthis-in your notebook, and letthe images or memories stay with you as you read on through Part Four,'Gathering Information'. I'm eitherinvolved and hurt, or notinvolved and in charge, butlonely This dilemma can operate whether we are in a relationship or not. Our vulner- ability is towards hurt, and our unconscious antennae are quick to detectit. WC have probably been hurt at some time and we therefore associate allrelation- ships with hurt. WC expectto be hurt, and we may be highly sensitive to words, nuances, actions and hidden meanings which support us in this belief. To cope with hurt we have learned to withdraw, eitherliterally orinside ourselves, and this remains our position, keeping the dilemma intact. Others may notrealise how we feel, because we don't communicate it directly; allthey may know is +IT-.+ TATQ -aro iiirritr> matr-ir@<;p tn Thi<; mflv bp hpransp we are so brittle and ------------------------------------------------------------------------58 scratchy when we come up against ourfear, or because we depart moodily to nurse the fear on our own, or we may fear our own capacity to hurt or destroy if we get close. - Many of us cope with this dilemma by not having relationships or by keep- ing those we do have very limited and superficial. This gives us control over the hurt, but atthe cost of ourloneliness. Those daring to enterrelationships may find them a torment because offear and difficulty with trust.It may take a long time before we overcome this dilemma and learn thatitis possible to be with someone and not get hurt. Unfortunately when this dilemma operates it's as if we are waiting for ourfear of getting hurtto be activated. And, of course, sooner orlater something happens which proves we have to stay alone to be in charge. Many people do feellonely, either within relationships or nursing their hurts alone. One of PAUL'S ways of coping with hurtfeelings was to bottle them up His social isolation was also a coping strategy. He had been very close to his mother, who had died when he was six, and then passed around the family. He promised himself he would not get close/ and therefore hurt again. When we met he felt his depression had been caused by personal hurtfrom the children of his new love. Before this time he had keptin his 'lonely butin charge' position and it worked up to a point. On falling in love atforty, however, he risked expressing his deep feelings and being hurt. His ensuing depression followed when inevitably,the initialintensity and closeness ofthe relationship began to wane' His adjustment and subsequent change involved working through much ofthe unrecognised mourning forthe loss of his mother, and to understand and feelfor the lonely boy who had only had encyclopaedias for company. He monitored allthe occasions when he felt slighted or got at by others/ the times when he fled to his own room afterfeeling excluded or misunderstood. He recognised needing to be special six ~vr\ orderto feel safe in relation to perfect but unobtainable.['Special six'related to the years he had his mother, which he saw as special.] He saw that his hurt could be triggered by the smallest nuance and was out of proportion. He had to learn that his need to be special six meantthat what feltlike the heartless and thoughtless behaviour of others was just ordinary banter and exchange.It was not people being less than perfect and not caring or coming up to scratch,from which he had to withdraw into his familiarlonely state. Itis important when pondering on this dilemma to realise thatthe part of you which feels hurt corresponds to when you WCre a child.Itis he or she who needs your care. When you feel hurt by someone, spend time exsamining (Continued) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------59 what happened. What was said,referred to, acted out? What v\ said, and what did you hear underneath the words that.confirmed fears? Write it down. Try to describe the tone,feeling,imag happened: Draw itif you can. Notice your eye level;when you are ":@:this.lAre you!lookingrup, or down?; @@^@@@@@^@@jr--:^@T;f.:'} \ \ "7'TI;1r With others I'm either safely wrapped up in bliss orI'm in combat.In combat,I'm either a bully or a victim This double dilemma refers to our need to return to the safety or hiding of a womb-like environment when we get close to others. We're either enclosed in the relationship in a 'garden of Eden'type bliss, or we react aggressively to others, always ready for a fight and adopting eitherthe victim or bullying role. In this dilemma there is no comfortable breathing space in between, where we can experience a mutualinterdependence.It's as if we have found it hard to learn a model of being with someone which allows forthe ebb and flow of energy and difference. We may find that we lurch from one extreme to another:feeling the dependency and flight of being all wrapped up one minute, only to swing into combative mode the next. We may have the 'wrapped-up'relationship with one other person and be in combatin all our otherrelationships. The dilemma often arises because of ourlonging for'perfect care' and fusion with another. This may be the result of an over-close or'tight'relation- ship with mother or sibling, or conversely because we have had empty, deprived early beginnings, where it was leftto ourimagination to provide an ideal model. The reciprocalroles are ofidealised 'perfect'in relation to neglected/forgotten.. So inside ourselves we swing from hope to despair,from clinging to an ideal of how we long forthings to be to a position ofrage when we are disappointed, at which point we invite a combative situation, bullying others or allowing ourselves to be bullied. It can be hard to acceptthat ouridealisation is the very thing that stops us having satisfactory relationships. Whilstthe fantasy longing for another who can meet our every need can feel good in fantasy,it puts us and others under huge pressure and means we are always doomed to be disappointed. The fact that no one other mortal person can meetthe needs of our deprived inner child can make us depressed. But out ofthis sense of despair we may begin to find the seeds of giving and receiving care from others that eventually becomes 'good enough'. If we can see that our'combat' style is an attemptto gain independence from the fantasy of being all wrapped up, we can build on this,finding more robust and realistic ways ofrelating. ------------------------------------------------------------------60 Write a story about'perfect care' or'perfectrevenge'. Make it as dramatic as you wish. Read it aloud to someone you trust. Allow yourselfto experience the feelings orlonging behind the words,to identify the 'core pain ofthe person in the story, and inside you, who wishes to relate to others. objects-that h imagination w Write another story about how you might care forthe child inside whose feelings you have identified in the first story. Use everyday people and objects-that have had some reality for you, orinvite characters from your imagination who might serve the needs ofthe child today. EitherIlook down on people orthey look down on me How much do we know of our haughty selves who look down our noses feel compelled to compete when someone is telling us something have to cap everything with something of our own? And atthe other end how well do we know the selfthatis looked down upon, humiliated and laughed at, both by ourselves and, we fear, by others? This dilemma is aboutthe world of despising and being despised, and how we deal with it Much ofthe dilemma stems from a particular experience when we felt despised, or were treated contemptuously - by adults when we were small by admired elders at an impressionable time - and from which we were determined that we are in some part contemptible,laughable a joke We may also believe that we deserved our deprivation and are the rotten person we were made to feel. Believing this is so painfulthat we have few options. We can go through life with the false beliefthat we are allthe things we despise and that others willlook down on us, whatever we do.In this place we may play the contemptible one, or may block out any feelings by going 'on automatic' We may live only via a 'mask' and sufferthe limitations and restrictions of this protective superficiality. Many compulsive workers - men or women - who become addicted to their work in whateverfo‰o?? do so because they are running from this fear and this place. They fearthatifthey are not sus- tained by the admiration of others whom they admire they will be exposed and then will have to feel contemptuous or sufferfeeling con- temptible.In their studies of post-heart-attack patients, Treating Type A Behavior and Your Heart, Meyer Friedman and Diane Ulmer(1984) make the following observation: -------------------------------------------------------------------61 As the perilous drive continues (to do more and more in less and less time and against greater odds and with increasing aggressiveness and despera- tion),the Type A person confines his disdain to those persons he is able to control; eventually he begins to entertain less and less regard for himself.It is when this latter process begins that his own spirit starts to wither, and the urge to self-destruct mounts. Much ofthis occurs in the unconscious, which makes the tragedy no less profound,(p. 201) We may only sense thatthere is something inside us which makes us feel mis- erable and frightened and from which we are aware ofrunning away, but our external adaptation takes up most of ourtime. WC may not know that what we fearis contempt, and we will not know that attimes we appear contemp- tuous.Itis usually when our outer adaptation fails that we feelthwarted and fallinto the place of contempt or become contemptuous ourselves. Others Irelate to have to be special and see me as special.Ifthey fail, then they are objects of contempt.IfIfail,then I become contemptible I have to keep 'one ahead' of others, which makes me competitive I have to getin my own story, and I am constantly striving to win. I am judgemental of others whom I see as weak and pathetic.Iignore them, or baitthem by teasing and provocation over matters on which I know they cannot cope. OrI sneer, am sarcastic, humiliating. D I enjoy others discomfort wnen i nav into falling into their own mess. D I am envious of others' success but Cc and am only aware ofitin my diffici I D Ifind it very hard to be in a learning another whom I see as being in a su[ which Ifeelinferior. How do you use your contemptuousness D I am very uncomfortable with it, but D I am aware I am envious and compe I enjoy others' discomfort when I have 'found them out' ortricked them into falling into their own mess. I am envious of others' success but cannot bearthis feeling, so Irepress it and am only aware ofitin my difficulty with being 'less than' at any time Ifind it very hard to be in a learning position where I have to take from another whom I see as being in a superior position to myself and in which Ifeelinferior. I am very uncomfortable with it, butI use itto drive me on in this world I am aware I am envious and competitive, and I use itto get me going, to make sure I keep up and ultimately overcome those in whose company I was made to feel small. ----------------------------------------------------------------62 口 I am revengefulto those whom Ifeel have put me down.Ifantasise about situations in which I am the victor over someone whom Ifeel has treated me with contempt.I practise very hard so thatI can get my revenge. 口 When things go wrong I am aware offeeling more than usually shattered.I swing from being contemptuous, angry and bittertowards others,to feeling contemptible and alone, self-destructive and suicidal In which ofthe following ways do you recognise that you feel others look down on you with contempt: ロロロ I always put myself down, usually jokingly, sending myself up I sneer at myselffrequently and invite others to do the same Itry to rise above these feelings by being very intellectual and clever. I use complicated words and sentences thatfew understand to hide my inadequacy. ロ ロロ There is no fightin me.Ilet others walk all over me, while secretly despising them forit. I expect others to behave better, butI am not surprised when they don't I am bitter.I want others to be betterthan they are/ butI don't give any clues as to how this could be for me.I don't say whatIreally feel or what Ireally wantfrom them.I allow others to treat me contemptuously. 口 Most of my dialogues with others are in factin my head.Irarely say whatIfeel or whatI would like to say.I presume that others wouldn't be able to cope with it, and so I don't give them the chance. 口 Although I despise myself,Ifeelthat others should know better and do more for me.I am aware thatthis makes me incredibly angry, and that Ifeel angry a lot ofthe time. 口 It doesn'ttake much for people to getthrough or push me off-centre I do rely on admiration from others to stop me feeling looked down upon. 口 Irely a lot on having to be in positions of authority or usefulness to stop me feeling the pain of people looking down on me. But even though I achieve those positions (Ilook after others well,teach others, am my own boss, have a good job with others working for me)I am still on the look- outforthose who would put me down. There is nowhere Ifeelreally safe. What we have to cope with in this dilemma is the feeling that we are con- temptible, and the fearthat we will be forced to feelthis again as we once did. The way in which we lessen the gap between feeling we have to look down on others and theirlooking down on us is to submit ourselves to the pain of that despised place.In that place we do indeed getin touch with many ofthe ----------------------------------------------------------------63 Either SUCCESS Admired by others Admiring of others ORDINARYPAIN AND SUFFERING Looked down on by others Looking down on others Or Becomes the 'I'that sees 'me'through observation Figure 4.1 Looking down on others orlooking down on me. The aim for change is learning to tolerate ordinary everyday pain and suffering feelings that arose during our experiences of humiliation as a child. But when we experience them during a programme of self-discovery ortherapy we bring to the damaged place another awareness of ourselves:that we are more than the child we once were, even though the feelings we suffer may seem overwhelming. In Figure 4.1 we see how this dilemma operates.If we are notliving in the top section (admired and admiring)then we inhabitthe bottom (contemptu- ous or contemptible). When we experience 'the fall'from the idealised heights of success, we so fear being humiliated ('beyond the pale')that we turn our fearinto a contemptuousness towards others. Healing by mourning the loss ofidealisation to become 'real' and 'good enough' As we become conscious ofthis dilemma we begin to dilute its power and 'splitting' nature by recognition, and by bearing the 'ordinary' pain and suf- fering of our core pain. This then gives more space to experience a natural 'healthy island'. Here, ordinary pain and suffering,loss and disillusionment will be experienced as we grieve forthe loss of'idealisation'. So healing takes place as we allow ourselves to be ordinary mortals in pain. --------------------------------------------------------------------------64 EitherI'm a brute orI'm a martyr This dilemma relates to how we cope with our angry and aggressive feelings If we do get angry and express it we feellike a brute, or we imagine that our angeris brutish. Conversely we get angry but don't say anything WC take on the martyrrole,feeling full of self-sacrifice, with allthe internalresentment and hostility this evokes. There is no middle place for assertion or appropriately angry responses, and at both ends ofthe dilemma each position blames the other. Forthe martyr says,'I'm not going to get myselfinvolved in anything that's unpleasant or brutish,I am betterthan that'; while the brute will say 'It's no good sitting back and letting oneself be slaughtered,it's not worth it' Let's just steamroller overthis and get something happening.' Each one serves the other. Each one brings outthe opposite, eitherin another person or within the individual. For everyone who is caught up with the myth ofthe martyrthere will be a brutish side, coming out unexpectedly because ofits repression. People who take on the role of martyr are often prone to violent brutish outbursts, or behave horribly to their animals, children or old people' Many people who appear brutish believe thatifthey did not actin such a way they would be martyred by others orto some cause in which they do not believe. We are using the word 'martyr' here in a negative sense and notin the sanctified religious sense of one who gives theirlife for a believed cause in exchange for a heavenly after-life.If someone consciously chooses to martyr themselves for a cause they believe in,this is conscious acting from a position ofidealism. WC may say they are brutish to themselves atthe same time and to those whom they deprive oftheirfull company. However, most of us who take up the position of martyrin our everyday lives feel put upon and deprived of ourfreedom of choice. Thus, we adoptthe role resentfully and harbour a good deal of hidden anger.Itis this underlying fury which can be quite devastating to others, precisely because itis so unex- pected. WC feel guilty if we are not serving others or being slaves to the object of our martyrdom, and we tend to look for ways we should be serving this mas- ter. WC may expectto receive gratitude from others in reward for our sacrifice But others may feel enslaved by our martyrdom and unable to go along with it. Martyrdom can be tyrannical and bring outthe brute in the best of us' Martyrs can easily become depressed victims,inviting the oppressorin others and thus actualising and extending the period of martyrdom stillfurther. JOE experienced his mother as a martyrto his macho brutish father. He had a good bond with his mother and was devastated when she died of a heart attack when he was only eleven. He came into therapy because he was very depressed and phobic about death. Unable to go outto look for a job obsessed with death and the after-life, he was becoming reclusive.In asking him to monitorthe feelings he experienced during his panic attacks we discovered thatthey came on in situations where he feared he might have to -----------------------------------------------------------------------65 abe assertive to someone. A man in the shop, on the end ofthe phone/ when outrunning with his dog. He was terrified of getting into a situation where he |would 'boil overin rage like an exploding volcano'. 1When we looked atthis we discovered that as well as his father's macho image, awhich Joe felt he could not go along with,the week before his mother had died JJhis father had thrown a lamp at herin a fit oftemper. He had associated his Xfather's anger with a brutishness and murderousness,triggering off his mother's 11death. He had never putthese two together before, but his unconscious had, Jfpreventing him from expressing any kind of angerin case it came outin the |same way. He had blocked off assertiveness,frightened thatit mightturn into 11anger and aggressiveness. When he could see how this dilemma had ruled his |life he could begin to learn to be more assertive,to choose his own way of being |angry. Then he could begin to go back into the world less afraid, and free H1himselffrom the unconscious ties that had deprived him of his own life. a brute or a marty I believe itis the only way I can receive gratitude and thanks from others? I believe itis the only way I can be? I don't believe in my freedom and rightto a fullindependentlife? for me itis a form oflove? Ilearned it and am now copying it withoutrevision? I am caught up in a centuries-old-woman-as-martyr-to-men complex? snce -from literature,the them? Do you fear being 'brutishness' against myself? against my animals? in fantasy? in sudden outbursts oftemper directed against others? it's the only way I've learned to be from (i)family,(ii) others? ifI'm not a brute I'll be a martyr(like someone I know)? it's the only way I can keep on top and avoid victimisation? 1 enjoy the power and letting others live outthe martyrrole? Itlimits my life. ----------------------------------------------------------------------66 The male/female dilemma: as a W0man I have to do what others W8nt; as a man I can't have any feelings All men and women are influenced not only by the ?MYths about being a man or woman passed on by families, but also by their male and female genes The mostrecentresearch involving MRI brain scans of male and female brains shows differences in speech and language areas. The female brain is highly utilised in speech and language functions. For centuries these ‡VYths involved a need to 'placate'the needs of men and play down a woman's own skills forfear of'emas- culating' a man. Are women breaking with these ??Yths today - ?MYths thatif we are not subservient we are notfeminine and it spoils relationships? Women are trying to, butit's often surprising how much these myths live on and unconsciously inform what women do and how they behave Untilthe lastten years women have felt suppressed by men and masculine ideology, by the force of patriarchy. Although there have always been pio- neers, such as Mary WOllstonecraft or Mary Ann Evans (George Eliot)to show thatthe female spirit was alive, allreflection of women has predom- inantly come through men. Since gaining more independence econom- ically, sociologically and biologically, women have often stillto go through masculine channels to receive recognition, often having to work much harderthan men. In the midst ofthis transition in women's roles,relationships are changing. One in three marriages ends in divorce. Many women are leaving it untillater to get married, and then have difficulty finding a partner who meets their expectations. Many women feel very torn atthis point. They wantindepen- dence to work and express themselves, butthey stillfeelthere is a substantial costinvolved and thatit poses a threatto relationships. , ALICE, a successful architect with two children,is aware ofthis tension in her :,, own life:'At work my role is very clearly defined and I am respected forit.I say ^ my piece and itis heard and acted upon.I experience myself as being free and ^ powerfulin a creative sense.Itis stimulating and exciting and Ilove the work @^I'm doing and the feeling of expansiveness and generosity it gives me. But | when at home something else seems to take over.Ifear being seen as "boss" as I see it as a basic threatto the safety of my relationship. So I give in to my ^ partner's wishes and feel bad after.I don't say whatIreally think and believe ^in.Ifeelthat were Ito be more assertive he would see me as strident and g demanding. He says: "I'm not one of your office minions ... you can't behave ^like you do in the office here." I don'tfeelI can answer because Ifeel he's right |that somehow I've gotto be submissive in my private life to make up for jj "getting away with it" - success - elsewhere. The awful silly guilt.I know I'm sg resentful.I often get headaches atthe weekends and feel unbearably tired j| when I get home.I associate that with my confusion, not knowing whatto do, | and a general weariness and lack of clarity aboutthe whole thing.' -----------------------------------------------------------------------67 Some women actually sacrifice their own views and voice when they marry or enter a relationship, and upon having children. For some itis a relief notto fight or struggle any more, but be content with the age-old passive role of serving home, husband and children. And,indeed, within this role there are many modes of expression. Butto give up one's own voice because of a fear of not being feminine causes only conflict and struggle, and leads resentments and angers to build up underneath. Thanks to feminism these old myths are underrevision, but women tend to slip back into them when things get difficult orthey try out new ways of expressing themselves that are misunderstood. Somewhere in this transition of male and female expressions lies the hope forthe emergence of a way of being a woman that brings into the light of consciousness the most positive qualities ofthe feminine principle: T●● ● ●●T● Receptive,ratherthan passive. Empowering,ratherthan selflessly giving to others. Flexible, adaptable, yielding and creative,ratherthan submissive with 'no mind of her own'. Centred in body and emotions and unafraid of each,ratherthan overemo- tional,flighty,frivolous, self-conscious. Sexual and sensual,ratherthan seductive,flirty, posing. Nurturing,ratherthan manipulatively feeding and devouring. Containing,ratherthan possessive. Holding close and letting go appropriately,ratherthan emasculating (men and women) and overcontrolling. From a central womb of womanhood a woman can then express her mascu- line side. This would be ancillary to herfeminine being, notinstead of orto compensate forthe negative sides listed above. As a man,I have to be a 'proper' man, which means not expressing anything to do with feelings This dilemma willremain unrevised if men can find both work and relation- ships that avoid the need to getinto anything of a feeling nature.If women are stillliving outthe need to define being feminine as not being assertive or having independent views,the men with whom they are involved will be able to dictate the tone ofthe relationship and look to women to contain the feel- ing side ofthings. Many men do manage to avoid having anything to do with feelings, until something happens that hits them personally on thatlevel- their partnerleaves them,they getill and become dependent on others,they fallin love,they lose someone they had neverrealised was importantto thpm -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------68 With the change in the role of women in society,relationships between men and women are having to adaptradically, and men are finding thatthey must deal with theirfeeling side earlierthan in previous generations. For many men who have been brought up in a traditionally 'macho' environmentthere is little or no developed language for expressing feeling or emotion The myth seems to be that a man must be in the outside world where his rational focused side is uppermost, and thatthe convoluted, diffuse world ofthe emo- tions would only impede progress and draw a dangerous veil overthe mascu- line purpose. W‡Uen men cut offtheirfeeling side because they are afraid of being overpowered by it,they become lopsided. They can get stuck atthe extreme end ofthe masculine principle. They tend to become lonely and are unable to relate to others,their work orthe world. They can become depressed because they think they are supposed to actlike an automaton, so rejecting a mapr aspect ofthemselves and appearing brittle and unfeeling, strident and fixed. The old myths about men and masculinity persist:tough, macho,in charge and command-driven, strict, controlled,focused, unyielding, unable to com- promise. Any show of softness is seen as a weakness. Although a man may have strong feeling instincts and a strong feminine side, he may have been dis couraged from using or expressing this aspect of himself because ofthe pow- erfultaboos that exist againstit. There are a hundred little injunctions -'boys dont cry', mother's boy, cissy, hiding in a woman's skirts,floppy spineless weedy, wet,impotent,foppish - alllinking the feminine side with negativity' Questionnaire: The male/female dilemma What do you feel are the important qualities of being a woman, being a man? How much do you include these in your own life? My expectations of masculine and feminine I expect men to ロロロロ ロ be strong make allthe decisions notto be fazed or bothered notto be fazed or bothered by anything be able to take liquor I expect women to ロロロ ロ be kind and gentle have warm feelings care about children and relationships keep themselves looking nice ロロ ロロ have exclusive male company not be bossed or affected by a woman have the mostimportantrole not give in to any weakness ロロロロ be good housewives be the peacemaker have a special'women's' world never be aggressive or masculine ---------------------------------------------------------------------69 strong ideas strong feelings decision-making assertiveness at alltimes, and aggression when appropriate an understanding of each other's 'no-go' areas tears and sadness anger other We may not yet have incorporated the strength of a feeling heartinto mascu- line judgement, but we always know that when these two attributes come together something wise and wonderful happens. A wise leader,judge or com- pany head,for example, will be able both to relate in a heartfelt way and make hard decisions. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------70